Oltenia
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This page needs to be translated to Romanian Language Acest articol trebuie să fie traduse în limba română |
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| National motto: Toata lumea sa traiasca numai noi sa nu murim! (Everybody should live, only that we should not die!) | |||||
| Official language | A double-inverted version of Romanian with gramatical rules involving a 20 sided dice | ||||
| Capital | Craiova,it moves to Caracal in months with 31 days except January | ||||
| Head of State | Everybody | ||||
| Independence |
- They never recognize any leadership | ||||
| Currency | Praz roots | ||||
| National anthem | "M-a facut mama oltean" by Tudor Gheorghe, which roughly translates as "My mother made me an Oltean and she apologizes" | ||||
Geography[modificare]
This paragrph is somewhat lacking in information. This will very soon be adressed by the Oltenian Intellectual Guerrilla - a small band of mutated oltenians, who spend their evenings not chasing chicks at the disco (also not downloading porn) but creating jokes for others to enjoy when drunk & stupid (pretty much all the time in Oltenia). Stay tuned to this page as we will cover the geographical marvels of this area that rivals the Bermuda Triangle and Siberia, as well as the cities of Craiova, TgJiu and the pinnacle of oltenian art and culture - Caracal. Because the oltenia people are wery proud they named their capital Craiova with a german name witch in reality is the name of the popular food named praz. So they named Craiova Prazburg(city of praz). A better name isn't it? And is like german
Flora and Fauna[modificare]
The area is almost barren in life, due to the inhabitants' tendency to eat anything that walks, hops, slithers, crawls, bites, sings, is carbon-based, or stuffs live weasels down its pants. As this describes many natives, the cannibalism incidency is quite high. The few notable animal species include the purple breasted chupacabra, the forest biclops and the assgoblin.
The only plant that grows in this region is called praz, an odd combination between onions and kerosene which the Oltenians eat by the truckload with severe side-effects they choose to ignore.
People[modificare]
Oltenians are a proud and ancient race, descending from Burebista the Hairy's elves that escaped the Romans. Their intelligence is renowned, as all of them are natural born leaders. This innate ability to rule other people makes them leave their beloved land, as there is no one to lead there, since everyone is a boss. This characteristic also makes them easily recognizable, apart from the leak(praz) smell: if you shout "boss!" on the street, there are 99% chances that the ones who turn their heads are Oltenians. They usually have long necks, so they can see leadership opportunities better, even if the boss job is beyond the mountains.
They are very fast they talk using Present Perfect Tense which is as a label of them. in this way you can recognize them easily. If you hear them you better run else you will have them as leaders asap.
Since the competition for leadership is so fierce in Oltenia, the Oltenians usually build round houses, so the neighbors can't gossip around the corners.
Because of the huge usage of leak and Present Perfect Tense some historians have advanced the hypothesis of common roots with the Brits. However no evidences were found.
Due to the large percentage of argon in Praz, which cannot be assimilated by women, thus being deposited in the cranium and gluteus maximus, thus making the female population in Oltenia prone to having abnormally large heads and asses. This also causes their body temperature to raise a couple of degrees and that's why the rest of romania calls them "Oltence Fierbinti" (hot oltenian women).
The males can eliminate the argon in their urine, yet to be able to do so they suffer a mutation medical science knows as inverted penis
Religion[modificare]
Oltenians are very superstitious people who are still afraid of the local monsters, especially the strigoi. Oltenia has a lot of old churches and monasteries, including the newly opened "Dintr-un Lemn de Bambus" Budhist shaolin kung-fu monastery, located deep in the mountains of northern Oltenia. Like all Romanians, the Oltenians main deity is Zaibarul.
Personalities[modificare]
The number of personalities in Oltenia is equal with [math]\displaystyle{ N+1 }[/math], where [math]\displaystyle{ N }[/math] is the total number of Oltenians in www [math]\displaystyle{ +1 }[/math] because of Mircea Dinescu who is not an Oltenian but he bought a house in Oltenia and act as one.
Mihai Viteazu (Michael The Brave) (aka Amza Pelea in 19eighties and Gigi Becali 20noughties). He was the first one who created a merger between all small Romanian farms in 1600. The merger disappeared in the .com crash only one year after.
Tudor Vladimirescu famous guerrilla fighter in 1821. He did not listen his mother advice "Never befriend the Greeks". The Greeks sold him to the Turks and they killed him. He died famous in the arms of Che Guevara
Petrache Poenaru - another famous Oltenian. Nobody knows exactly what his job is. He is one of the most hated men in the world. He invented the fountain pen. He was born in 1799 a litlle bit too late for the French Revolution. However he was Tudor Vladimirescu's secretary during 1821 insurgency and after they lost a fight he realized that he was not born for guerrilla. He decided to study the forgotten art of painting sad clowns and is generally regarded as the mastermind behind Ronald McDonald
Nea Marin aka Nea Marin Miliardarul (Nea Marin the billionaire) - is an infamous character that lived in Oltenia some time ago. He was known to be able to use the dark side of the force to transform praz into one-hundred dollar bills. A movie was made based on his character. Nea Marin fled Oltenia "with the wire" (cu sarma). Nobody heard of him since.
Constantin Brancusi, Jean Negulescu, Leana & Costel...
Occupation[modificare]
Having a real talent for leadership the main occupation is leading, whatever you can. Leading the State (Nicolae Ceausescu), leading the Government (Radu Vasile, Mugur Isarescu), leading you name it we find the person. But there are too many of them so they sometimes find other things to do.
Computer Science industry had a boom in the region. Web Design and Network Security are best developed. However DHL, UPS and other major parcel carriers are complaining that the sites developed in the area are 100% like theirs the only difference being the IP. Few millions users of yahoo, hotmail and e-bay are complaining about their accounts being cracked.
In the last years the specialists in economy observed a high tendency in outsourcing. Nowadays the Oltenians have broken the barriers of space and they do their occupations anywhere where people are stupid enough to believe them.
Education[modificare]
Since an early age (7-8) children are sent to school (parents had enough of them). Here they learn how to drink, smoke, curse, avoid work and other useful tricks for an easy life. The rest of them (1%) in between two pints of beer learn mathematics, physics or computer science.
Arts are very important in Oltenia. There everybody can sing. After few glasses of wine they remember their sacred obligation as members of the Drunken Philharmonic of Oltenia and they start rehearsals or even concerts.
Sport & Hobbies[modificare]
The two main recreational activities are underwater basket weaving and the creation of their world renowned asshats, an appreciated commodity which they export all around the world.
At any other, more earthly sports they pretty much suck and, to give them a more fair shot, their main soccer team "University of Craiova" (which is a joke as everyone knows there are no universities in Oltenia) was transferred to the girls soccer league.